--Lilian Bui 5/19/09

Symptoms:
A minor discomfort of the mind,
Tension that puts your teeth on the grind.
Your elevated pulse is merely a sign
That the best of your senses have resigned.

Prognosis?
A case of cold, hard reality.

Perspective is a bitter pill,
But still - you swallow it dry with the rest of your fears.
You eat your words and regurgitate curds of
Shapeless succor,
The acid taste sweetened only by your unhinged tears.

There's a moment.
When you're on the table with all your cards out
Stripped of your reason, beyond your doubt,
Your thoughts - they trail; they're wayward bound.
They throb, they sting, they burst, they pound.
But before the lilting pain subsides
You take a breath and you decide

You cannot conquer Time.
But your armies can go down fighting.

The realization that makes you wise
The sensation starts to metastasize
You infect a whole new strain of courage.
The pandemic can only do us good.


Self-pity is our worst enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.
--Helen Keller

From running, that is.

There's nothing like the high you get after a good run. I just came back from a 5-miler, which gave me plenty of time to think about writing this entry.



There's a lot that I can learn from running. Patience, endurance, and having belief in yourself to finish. Oddly enough, these things are quite relevant to current events. Spring is and always been for me a time of renewal, transition (though the weather in California seems to have forgotten about spring and skipped right into summer). For myself and many others at this point in their lives, a lot is going to change in the next few months.

For one, graduation is coming up. My undergraduate career as I know it will be over as soon as my name is mispronounced and I accept that diploma. Four years of procrastination interlaced with cramming sessions, work, rehearsals, school, friends, food outings, spider killing, guitar playing, bunny hunting, term papers, musicals, video making, internships --- all come to a close with a bit of ceremony and the flipping of a tassle. I know what you're thinking. Of course, I know that life isn't going to do a complete 180, and I know that all the changes are going to be more gradual than abrupt. However, it has pained me lately to know that even if I do come back to UCI, it would be as a visitor. The campus will be the same. The student center will still be there, as will Langson Library, the rose garden, the unicycles, and the horrible choice of restaurants in the food court. But it's people who make a place what it truly is. I can't bank on everyone in Irvine who means a lot to me to still be around whenever I swing by. Come June, if there ever is a breeze that blows across Irvine, chances are it's not a breeze. It's a huge sigh of exasperation and nostalgia coming from me.

Culture night. Last year, I directed the show, and this year I'm acting and dancing in it. This is how I wanted my senior year to end. It's another check off my bucket list, and I'm glad to be acting with the people on cast. This year's set for the dance team is one of the more dynamic ones. We have a lot of different styles in this set, and I happen to think (from a very biased perspective) that the theme is amazing: West Side Story. Everyone has been working extremely hard to get the show together, and the countdown to May 9th has long begun. My last-ever culture night, and my last quarter as a dance team coordinator. Sigh.

I'm trying to lose weight, hence the running. During my sophomore year at UCI, I lost a lot of weight due to not having enough time to eat, since I was working so much. Then after joining VSA and expanding my social circle, my caloric intake expanded as well with eating out so often. This year, though, I want to lose the weight through exercise and not malnutrition. So far, I've exercised 6 out of 7 days each week, and I'm starting to feel much more confident in myself. My diet is considerably healthier (though this started back in January as a new year's resolution). I want to eat healthy now instead of having to convince myself to. It feels good. I don't have a set goal I want to reach just yet, as I have no means of weighing myself. But I feel much healthier, and that's good enough for me right now. ALSO, I want to run the L.A. Marathon on Labor Day weekend. This has been a goal of mine since I was inspired by watching a few good friends of mine finish it last year. I've already registered.


Then, of course, there is Washington, D.C., to be thinking about. I've had phone interviews with a handful of different places but am playing the waiting game as far as hearing back from them goes. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the ones I really want. People are already talking about buying their plane tickets, sightseeing in D.C., and traveling to other states from there. But I'm nervously twitching at home in front of my cell phone until another 202 area code phone number calls me. I've had a picture of the cherry blossoms in D.C. on my desktop since I got into the UCDC Program in the fall as a bit of motivation, but lately that's been getting me more anxious than excited.

But, of course. What with all this emotion, anticipation, and angst bottled up inside of me, the runner's mentality truly helps. Patience, endurance, and the belief in yourself to finish. One step at a time at a steady pace will get you where you want to go. And you know what they say - there's nothing like the high you get after having reached your goal.

Watched Avenue Q
Yard House with good friends
Volunteered at a film festival (ViFF)
Learned a little more locking (thanks, Blao-ser!)
Learned first 4 pages of "Je Te Veux" by Erik Satie on piano
Went running (4 miles  total this week)
Researched more about WWII
D.C. phone interview
Finished two leisure novels (Kite Runner & The Soloist)
Celebrated my roommate's birthday at Cheesecake Factory (Jenny's 22!)
Might check out Proof (house club)
First culture night rehearsal tomorrow
Recording session + hangout in San Diego this weekend

...Good week. :)